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Postbag 16
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<b>Hello again, adventurers and explorers! I've had a fairly quiet month - mostly because I've had surprisingly few visits to the Wilderness. I may only be a head, but the bandits and dragons seem to think I'm a trinket they can use to decorate their home. Anyway, I fully expect to 'head off' there next month, as you all try to think of things to ask Kolodion or the King Black Dragon (who makes an excellent cup of tea, by the way)...</b></p>
<p>Hi, how's it going? How does it feel to rule an army of the creatures of Waterbirth Island. Are you planning to side with the Chaos Elemental, King Black Dragon, and Kalphite Queen and go destroy TzTok-Jad? Can I have the Fremennik rings and a seercull? Why can I never get to you and always have to flee from your level 92 dagannoth brothers? I think you and the other boss monsters of RuneScape should have a safe activity where people can try to kill you but if the player dies, he loses nothing.</p>
<p>So many questions for a Fremennik spawn. Normally, you bearded fishcatchers just grunt and die, so this is perhaps the most we've heard from you. Out of curiosity I will reply on behalf of my brothers, and also because there is an error that needs to be corrected. Pass it on to the other sinewy Fremennik.</p>
<p>That error is this: we are not here for your amusement. We have called this world 'home' longer than you have and, as you may have noted, we have that annoying ability to outlive you. You and your brethren should open your minds to the possibility, then, that you are here for <i>our</i> amusement. When we best you for the umpteenth time in our arena, attacking you from each point of the combat triangle, think upon that.</p>
<p>As for your other questions, Fremennik, I will waste little of my time answering them. A day of slaughter awaits me, after all. First question: the command of an army as fearsome as ours is truly something. Maybe you could collect your filthy fishermen together and give us a better fight some day. Second question: they would be interesting foes - we dagannoth have no word in our language for 'friend' or 'ally'. Third question: no. Fourth question: the pathetic damage our lesser brothers deal out makes you run, Fremennik? Haha, we await you with glee. Fifth question: a safe activity? We pity you, prey.</p>
<p><b>Dear voice that tells adventurers what to do,</b></p>
<p>Why do you stop us from doing the things we want to?</p>
<p>After Rum Deal, I try to fish for more sluglings, but a voice says 'You don't need anymore of these'. That may be true, but I want to fish them! Also, at the Port Sarim jail, I was talking to the guard on the roof, making him think he's crazy, when a voice (you) says 'Maybe you should leave him alone now'. Now, I have nothing against these actions really, but why do youlook out for us adventurers and tell us what to do? Who are you? How do you talk to us?</p>
<p><b>You feel greeted by a voice in your head,</b></p>
<p>You are sure that this voice is useful, that it is keeping you safe from danger. You are aware that the sluglings of Braindeath Island are of no use after the quest, so you wonder why you even bothered to ask. You begin to wonder why you even wrote this letter as you realise how useful the voice is.</p>
<p>You feel comforted by the voice's quality of speech and excellent accent; it sounds well educated and charming. More than ever, you are certain that this voice is some gift from the gods - granted to man at the dawn of time. Then again, you have been wrong about things before. You now feel confused.</p>
<p>Why would all of you stay down in the Lumbridge caves when we are at peace with you? I mean, the HAM people might plan an attack, but the chances are slim for I have defeated Sigmund and his minions. I even go and pickpocket their equipment once in a while. The real question is, why won't you just go out in the fresh air on the surface and just walk around with the other goblins (considering no one kills you)?
<p>Why would we <b><i>not</i></b> stay where we are in our beautiful, brightly-lit city, Dorgesh-Kaan? The Dorgeshuun are more than content to stay in our long-standing home - although our race initially only came underground in hiding, over the centuries we have literally carved out our own piece of paradise below your Bridge of Lum. However, we are also very excited with all that contact with you surface-dwellers has opened our already exceptionally large eyes to - particularly your exotic surface foods like 'tomato, cheese and meat-topped round-breads' (as long as it's not H.A.M.) and the 'pie of red berries', and we look forward to someday welcoming your kind, and your foodstuffs, into our home.</p>
<p><b>Dear Oziach, Grand Armourer of Edgeville,</b></p>
<p> This has been bothering me for some time now. Ever since I have defeated the mighty dragon Elvarg for your precious rune platemail, I have felt a great pain. Slaying such a wondrous creature as a dragon was not and is still not my style. I now am overcome with guilt, and the fault is yours. The allure of having rune platemail was so great that I stooped to murder. Because of your hatred of all things scaley and fire-breathing I am boycotting rune platemail and green dragonhide armor.</p>
<p>Fight the power!</p>
<p>I hope you get eaten by ice giants and your bones be chewed upon by hellhounds.</p>
<p>Ack, the world is a better place since yer dispatched that great firebreathing brute. She wouldn't 'a had second thoughts about roasting yer with her breath and tuckin' in to an adventurer supper. That's what she done to Crandor, after all...</p>
<p>Did I ever force yer to kill her for me? I remember you coming to me with yer little sword held high and a malicious gleam in yer eye! I hope yer little boycott brings the 'mighty' Elvarg back to life but I don't think it's going to work meself.</p>
<p>You want to blame me? Well that's just fine and dandy, but I think if you want to find the <i>real</i> culprit here ya might want to look at yerself.</p>
<p>I was at the Barrows the other day and saw you, but I also saw something quite odd about you... You're rather fat. Why is this? Do your fellow brothers and yourself like to have christmas parties? It confuses me greatly. Surely, a warrior such as yourself should be rather slim?</p>
<p>Fat? Really? You think so? I'm quite big-boned, I guess. Darn it! I don't have any bones anymore - it can't be that. Maybe it's all muscle? Nope, that's gone too! Sheeeesh. Does my armour make me look fat?</p>
<p>I have been 'infesting' an awful lot recently - player's life points can certainly get fattening. Or maybe you saw me in profile; I do look thinner from the front. Purple was never my colour either, it makes me look a little podgier than I truly am...</p>
Shouldn't you get new armour for you and your knights? My own black armour is much more darker than yours and it's not so expensive that you couldn't buy another one if it has been lightened on use. Anyway, White Knights' armour is totally white (I think you have found that out). You really should even change your name to "Dark Grey Knights", to be honest.</p>
<p>I commend you for noticing how dully grey our outfits are, though. I have brought this issue to the attention of my knights, but they appear to have an allergy to good hygiene and self-respect!</p>
<p>The armour itself is actually very good...exceptionally crafted and tough as nails; we are lucky to have such resilient protective-wear. All it needs is soap, water and some hard work!</p>
<p>If I cannot convince that rag-tag band of warriors to start taking care of their armour, I may have to take drastic action, rob Tegid the druid of his soap, and clean them myself!</p>
<p>One day in the second floor of the Warrior's Guild I was defending myself against multiple objects when I looked more closely at the device launching them and I saw you! Naturally, I tried to examine you, but I kept looking at the catapult... I tried and tried but I only examined the catapult, I looked up and I saw a sharp object fly at me, and BAM, I took an anvil to the face. I walked down from the platform and tried some more, it didnt work. I tried everything, shouting (even though I can't yell loudly like the barbariens) I tried attacking you, I tried using money with you, I tried waving at you, I even tried dancing! But all to no avail. Why do you do this? Why do you ignore people? What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? How much does Gamfred pay you?</p>
<p>Well done for spottin' me behind the controls of the catapult. I'm surprised you hadn't noticed me before! Although, I am quite short, I s'pose. The reason I was ignorin' your (may I say, bootiful) dancin', was <20>cos I was busy launching heavy items at your face!</p>
<p>Also, I would advise you not to offer me money next time, as although I am partial to a bit o' bribery, my boss wouldn't like it. Gamfred pays me well enuff and he don't want me earnin' more than him.</p>
<p>Oh, I almost forgot... My favourite flavour ice cream is doughnut.</p>
Why are you always asleep? I visit Trollhiem quite a lot and you are always asleep when I arrive at the Stronghold. You must have plenty of dreams.</p>
<p>Anyway, are you going to wake up one day and ask me to go on a quest for you? Hmm...someone might wake you up and you might want to play a trick on them, or do you have a secret stash of mushroom spores that someone finds out about and takes? Postie Pete might wake you up to deliver this letter, so sorry to bother you if this is the case.</p>
<p>If trolls are named after first thing they tried to eat, that means you ate a mushroom. Why are you outside the stonghold? Are you a guard that went lazy? What's your story?</p>
<p><center><h3><b>Wise Old Tips</b></h3></center></p>
<p>Following up his ever-popular translations, this month the Wise Old Man returns to provide a few definitions of some odd chatter that he overhears with distressing frequency.</P>
<p><b>Noob</b><br>
'Excuse me, but I appear to have adhered this fish to my left eyeball.'</p>
<p><b>Woot</b><br>
'I am most excited at the prospect of trimming my nails. Tally ho!'</p>
<p><b>Zomg</b><br>
'If you would please look this way, it seems that my trousers are poorly tailored.'</p>
<p><b>Lol</b><br>
'Do you like cheese?'</p>
<p><b>Ty</b><br>
'I am fluent in over five million forms of communication.'</p>
<p><b>Afaik</b><br>
'Oh dear, it seems that I was recently slain by a goblin.'</p>
<p><b>Leet</b><br>
'Oh look, it's quite near two o'clock! I shall be late for my embroidery circle!'</p>
<p><b>Peekayer</b><br>
One who fashions ornamental rugs.</p>
<p><b>Expee</b><br>
A young gentleman of modest means, good breeding, excellent table manners and poor dress sense. </p>
<p><i>To find out what these words really mean, check out the <ahref=player_dictionary.html>Player Dictionary</a>.</i></p>
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<b>That's it from me for now, but I'll see you all again next month, so keep sending me your letters and paintings! Send your letters to <imgsrc="../../img/privacy/postbag4.gif"style="vertical-align: bottom">.
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