Issue 18 - Zamorak Rises!

Greetings warriors, and loyal followers of chaos!

Wandering my realm of the Wilderness recently, I noticed a change most severe... the ground, blackened from fire... monsters and creatures wandering, attacking anything that moves... piles of the dead scattered without thought or care... and you know what?
It was great.
Really beautiful.
If I was a deity of softer sensibilities, I might even have shed a tear.

Cheered no end by the terrible beauty of the Wilderness, I decided I would spread my good humour amongst my followers and answer a few questions, so let's see what we have in the mailbag this month...

You have to start the laughter from your diaphragm, as low in pitch as possible, then gradually make it louder and louder as you build it up.
It also helps a lot if you have something funny to think about.
Like Saradomin with those Mackerel the other month.
Muhahahahahaha.

Well now, that's not quite true... Just off the top of my head I can think of at least two seperate quests where you can assist me in my cause to rid this world of the sickening influence of the braggard Saradomin!

Why, in the Temple of Ikov quest you have the chance to assist my good (or should I say 'bad'?) friend Lucien in his lust for power, and in the Hazeel Cult quest not only can you aid me in resurrecting the dread lord Hazeel to help my plans for this world, but you get to poison a dog loved dearly by a family!

What more can you ask for? I am also sure that at some point in the future I will require the services of ruthless young adventurers to help me with my plans...

Kebabs are not made from Goblin meat... I am not quite sure where you heard that rumour...
They're made from camels. It's much tastier.
Goblins tend to have a slightly nausea-inducing odour when fried, and tend to leave chunks between the teeth.
Trust me, I've had some experience with this.

As for my new looks... well, you can see my wondrous visage for yourself at the start of this edition of the letters!

Surely that is infinitely preferable to the alternative - toilets without sewers?
Or would you really wish to roam a land that stank more than Guthixs' dress sense?

You know, personally I like to combine the two.

With some fava beans and a nice chianti.

If they win their battles I praise their bloodlust.
If they lose their conflicts I mock their inexperience.
Change or die; this is the way of the warrior.

1) Sorry, my specialty is destruction, not creation. As gladly as I would send some poisonous scorpions to lurk beneath the Mage Andrew's bed and harrass his sleep, (it was pretty funny the last time as I remember) I think it would actually slow him down. Sadly my motivational techniques tend to leave the victims gibbering nervous wrecks - ask Reldo.

2) Oh yes indeed. The sound of a large metallic hammer hitting someones skull has a reassuring quality you just don't get with staves. If they open their mouth at the same time you get a cool hollowed echoey effect too. "Twonk!"

3) I distiniguish not between the two; you will all get a chance to feed my pets in the Wilderness. And rest assured, feed they will.

4) A secret this may be, but I fully intend to imbue certain weapons with unique attacks, inflicting even more damage than the unskilled hacking and slashing so favoured by most warriors. Slaughter is always most entertaining with a little variety in the spectacle, is it not?

5) Well, other than looking pretty snazzy, I hear there's some kind of fountain in the Heroes Guild that allows some kind of teleportation magic to be stored in the amulet. I can't really say much more than that, because I'm not a Hero and don't know anyone who is. Always found them very dull, self righteous Saradominist types to be honest; give me the high spirits of the Bandit camp any day!

6) Hey, I'm working on it, and I'm always looking for a few bad men (and women - especially women; I have a reputation to maintain) to help me achieve my goals.

Whats this? I answered all of your questions? Hmmmmm. Ah, I'm in a good mood. I won't ask for anything in return. This time.

Well, a sense of style in your violence is always important, unfortunately the dyes currently used in RuneScape are not only extremely toxic when consumed, but also highly corrosive.
Only a fool (or a Goblin) would be thoughtless enough to destroy the strength of their armour for a purely cosmetic change.
That's not to say such a process might not be possible sometime in the future however; the ingenuity of the councils research & development department never ceases to amaze me.

And poisons? I take it you haven't seen many of my beautiful red spiders on your travels? As frustratingly pathetic as Guthix is, his skill of Herblore does have a couple of cool things you can do with it - like poisoning your weaponry to inflict greater damage upon your enemies...

1) Why, I do believe that you can...

2) The meddling council try to limit the flow of Runes to those not authorised in their use, as they fear some day the people they govern will over throw them and they will be unable to defend themselves.

I hear there is a strong black market in Rune trading in the larger cities however, with many merchants posessing large numbers of Runes to sell and buy, making profit purely for themselves and not paying a penny of tax towards the council.
I approve of this undermining of the authorities whole heartedly.

3) Ahhh...... an interesting question. But who are you to say such a thing does not indeed already exist...?
The puny of mind who attempt to scam their wealth instead of earning it in the glory of battle should be wary, for I know many council members walk the land anonymously, so that they might take vengeance without fear of reprisal or recognition...

4) The Goblin people are a notoriously stupid race. Try as I might, I have had no success in organising and mobilising them as a cohesive fighting unit.
Perhaps they would be better off as kebabs after all?

5) Speak not his name; it will bring nothing but sorrow.
I would sooner attend a thousand Saradominist lectures than hear that word in my presence, so take care not to anger me with it.
My hatred still burns, darkly and icily within my breast, even after these many centuries. I fear him not at all. NOT AT ALL!

6) Guthix has a game... something like a chess board, upon which all destinies and actions can be played out, endlessly.
When new Quests occur upon this land for people to resolve, they have already been played out a million times, for Guthixes secret purposes, before a single action has been taken.
As best I understand it he uses intelligent apes (well, intelligent by ape standards) to see the outcomes of events before they occur in real life. I have no idea what the meaning of this bizarre mockery of life means, or for what purpose Guthix plays with it, but quite often I see new apes delivered to Guthixes abode, yet never do I see any leave...

Think? I know it!

I agree, spears are an excellent way of getting of getting your point across, and in, an enemy.

So good in fact, they have been available since April of 2003...

You act as though they are something different! Every warrior worth his weapons knows that a good offense IS a good defence!
Attack first, and be at the advantage!

Not at all! I appreciate the good work they do for me, on a daily basis.
Even if they themselves do not recognise that the work they do is indeed for me, for every death in the Wilderness adds to my power...

I'm the kind of Zamorakian who strikes fear into the heart of my enemies by wielding fabulously impressive weaponry, and then intimidates further by laying my weaponry down and smiting them with nothing but my own strength. Just so they know they're not even good enough to bother using weaponry upon.
I'm also the kind of Zamorakian who doesn't like to lose, and if the odds of battle seem to be shifting against my favour I have a large bloodied axe handy to redress the balance. Honour goes so far, but victory in the battle is all that counts.

Might I ask given the slaughter you attribute to yourself, what kind of Saradominist are you?

I think I shall see you at my fortress as an ally sooner than as an enemy...

Yeah, he's pretty chunky for a giant floating metal skull.

Now, having been uncharacteristically helpful in these letters, I fear I must make amends, and return to my favorite hobbies of torturing the pathetic Reldo, and annoying the insufferable Saradomin... so now I must leave you, loyal subjects of disorder, to remember my words;
Use your strength to crush those who oppose you, and show your enemies no mercy nor respite.

And I wish you all a happy Zamorakian Valentines day!

Strength through chaos-
Zamorak

DISCLAIMER: The views of Zamorak do not reflect the views of Jagex Ltd or it's employees. We'd ban him, but he's a god.