Postbag 29

Dear Account Holder #0114bc6844bd00664118376e,

Thank you for your concerns about the health of our staff members. Although you might not notice the difference in the faces, we have quite an extensive shift pattern here at the Bank of RuneScape and it affords individual members of staff a great deal of downtime. We've managed to get the shift changes down to around a microsecond teleport, so you'll never see a vacant kiosk, as our commitment is entirely to the customers of our bank. I mean, we wouldn't want some leprechauns coming along and challenging our monopoly by starting up a budget garden implement warehouse!

In our leisure time, I personally know bank assistants who love fishing, gnome gliding, deep-sea diving and party-planning. Constantly the centre of the party, I've heard tales that even Party Pete is jealous of our groove.

In fact, I've been invited to three private parties this evening, so I must go and slip into something more appropriate. I think the first one is a kalphite-themed party...or was it a penguin suit party?...hmm...no matter, I've got an idea that will cover both.

Let's get this party started!

Robert Stephen Milborne
East Falador Branch Manager
Bank of RuneScape

JalYt-Ket-Killtime74,

TzHaar only for TzHaar. We would never open city gates to those we don't trust and we only trust TzHaar. Until recently, we have thought only those born in heat of lava are TzHaar - humans nothing more than amusement - our librarian, TzHaar-Mej-Lor, tells me we once considered you pets.

That was over two-hundred years ago now, when I was fresh from my egg. As TzHaar have such long lives and new generations so far apart, new thoughts and ideas are slow to change our society. A blink ago, we would not have considered it possible for JalYt to even survive our Play Caves - sorry, Fight Caves - let alone defeat mighty TzTok-Jad. I also see change with young TzHaar, even strange notions of going against caste, like TzHaar-Hur-Brekt.

I of all TzHaar have had most contact with JalYt. I believe, one day, maybe soon, JalYt could be honoured as TzHaar. Until then, TzTok-Jad awaits...

TzHaar-Mej-Jal

Guv

That ain�t a letter you sent me � it�s a bloomin� confession! If I were to reply to it, I�d be chucked in the clink for years!

Ah darn it; I don�t get too much in the way of correspondence. We�ll come to a deal - I�ll use a special code, an� let�s see if you can puzzle it.

My name is not Dirk Turnip and I�m not a highwayman. I would never wear the cape that signifies my highwayman union. I certainly wouldn�t think of stickin� to a set of rules called the �highway code�. You still with me?

I �ave never worked for a geezer called Robin Hood. I never left �is troop �cos of itchy tights and I certainly don�t have a stash o� coins from easy pickin� noobs. After all, I don�t �ave a family of four and a young�un who wants to save up for some gloves o� silence.

You ain�t seen me, right?

NOT Dirk Turnip, NOT a dandy highwayman

Partysaurus Rex!

Dudes, apologies for moving in on your clan�s digs. The party just wasn�t working in Seers� Village any more. That Arthur dude filed for our eviction, claiming that his knights kept leaving Camelot to join the Dancing Knights. What can I say? Those metal homeys love the party! Lancelot was even thinking about joining us. Man, that dude can break-dance.

So, the show hit the road. Word was that free-players were hungry for the party, so the HMS Party set a course for Falador. The estate agent told us that the space was of �little cultural relevance� so we paid up and settled in.

As for attacking the party � dude! For one, you�re not in Bounty Hunter, man. I�d last five seconds in there. For two, the party is like a Protection from Melee, Protection from Magic, Protection from Ranged and Protection from Ill Feelings all wrapped up in one. No-one can penetrate the party.

Let the party into your life, dude. It�s like a warm, funky blanket.

Party Pete

Moribund salutations, Hailfire 13,

I have no recollection of our supposed encounters, as beings made of flesh are mere shadows in this world; nor do I take joy in anything, demons are incapable of joy, only of despising some things less than others. You, I suppose, must have enraged me less than other things on this world: that female mortal with the pastries, for example. I hate pastries.

I have a name, but it cannot be pronounced using your fleshy mortal tongues, just as my age would have no meaning to you, for I am ageless. A demon's true name is a powerful thing; I can only grant you the boon of knowing my kin name, which is powerless: S'malyo Gsot't. In times past your people called me Ravager and Fleshbane, but it has been long since my Lord sent me to true battle.

Should you return, bring your symbol of the God of Weakness. I fear nothing. I hate it less, in fact, than I hate scratching out these words on tanned goblinskin.

With rage and destruction,
S'malyo Gsot't

p.s. I hate the other demons, too. One of them specialises in making irritating noises and writing terrible demonic puns on walls.

Dear Wildeye205,

Thanks you for showin� me your genuine concern for our canine mates.

Oi�m surprised it�s taken this long fer people to realise that animals have formed their own unions. Oi �appen to know that the ol� rustbuckets (sorry, stray dargs to you) in Varrock are part of C.A.N.I.N.E (Cats Are Not Ignored Nearly Enough), and those white furry wolves of that big ol� snowy mountain have formed G.R.O.W.L (Get RuneScapians Off Wolves� Land).

In fac�, oi�ve heard of a few more, if you�re interested? In my later years oi�ve been a bit of a beachcomber y�see, �cos nobody wants an ol� seadog like me on their crew, so oi�ve made a few unusual friends along my travels as a landlubber. Ere's a couple more that oi've 'eard on me travels�

R.O.F.L. - Revivalists of Fremmenik Laws
L.O.L. - Ladies of Lumbridge
L.M.A.O. - Lumbridge Maids and Organists
A.F.K. - Ali for King
P.W.N.E.D. - Penguins Will Never Ever Dominate

Shanty Claws

Temple Knights' Dossier: WOM

Well, this month I had difficulty getting hold of the Wise Old Man; it seems he had been busy outside of his house a lot of the time. I found this on his desk: well, okay, inside a padlocked box, within a safe, in a secret compartment behind his desk. Anyway, it looks like the WOM has been visiting the Temple Knights' hideout and has been reading their papers. Enjoy!