Postbag 25

Spirallance1

I not Ugly, I Ug. Ugly live someplace else, silly post skull thing. I answer, tho.

Troll not always named after first thing dey eat. Sometimes, when troll not know what thing called dey eat, dey take name from sound it make. Sound it make usually good name for thing - like der cuckoo. It called a cuckoo 'cos it go 'cuckoo, cuckoo' even when you bite it, stupid birdie. I think der tech-er-nickel term for dat be 'on a mat of peas' or something... I think dat sounds messy, tho.

Anyhoos, der first thing I ate, I was not sure what it called, but when I bit it on der head it went 'ug', so dats my name. Love rival Arrg named same way. There is also trolls named from what thing dey eat look like, if it not make sound. Some uvver trolls you might not heard of is Himself, Mister Please No Don't Eat Me, and Grey Rocky thing What Looked Like A Rock But Not A Rock...we call him Grey fer short.

I think Aga named after some sorta jelly, tho. I like jelly... I love Aga...

Ug

Well adventurer, I shall enlighten you to the best of my ability.

Diamond was for a long time the hardest substance known to man, but man's knowledge is not boundless. Scientists have 'proven' many things throughout history only to have them disproved later. This is the nature of science; discoveries are always destined to be overshadowed by further research.

Diamond is incredibly hard due to its complex crystal structure, however this structure which lends it strength also gives it weaknesses. Cutting a diamond requires skill and finesse rather than brute force. One must exploit the flaws to your advantage. Why do you think it takes an experienced craftsman to cut gems?

As for dragon, I'm afraid that my knowledge of this unique metal is limited � the dragonkin never divulged the secret of how it is made, and I have been unable to break it down to its chemical elements due to its extreme resistance to physical attack or heat. Indeed, I have far more research to do into armour from the Barrows of Morytania and the God Wars Dungeon before I can even say for certain whether dragon is the hardest metal on RuneScape.

So, how did the dragon squareshield break in two? Perhaps there is some unimaginably powerful element that we haven't discovered yet... I like the mystery of this possibility. It is not a good to live in a world where everything is known, and even worse to live in a world where everything is presumed to be known.

Mr. Mordaut

Ah it's you again Greatkill144,

I remember when I first told you my theory; you looked at me like I was a madman. Well if you are going to think of me as a madman, I would prefer Dr. Mad to Mr. Mad.

But I am not mad, nor do I have plans to rule the world! I've got evidence, matey. Who do you think controls that voice inside all of us? You know, the voice that says 'nothing interesting happens' when we use a pot of flour on a cannon, or that tells us we've got the wrong axe to chop down a tree? It's the magic box; I'm telling you, lad!

Once, I even had a dream that the magic box was being controlled by a fleshy magic box that looked like you and me. Imagine that! If that were true then surely they might be controlled by a magic box themselves. It could stretch to infinity! It might even go in a great big circle like a kebbit with three legs, until somewhere there is a magic box which ultimately controls all of them. It's all a bit of a mindbender, ain't it, lad?

Ooh, I'm feeling dangerously sober right now. Time for some grog, I think.

The Bartender

Dear Blastiblue,

Give over, I'm a guard! And who wants to be a banker, anyway? They don't have us guards' three-year life expectancy, oh no. They don't get paid a pittance for being killed, just for the potato seeds in our pockets. They don't get a corrupt union that ignores their gripes and grievances, no siree.

Anyway, the 'Suave' is on a stakeout, mate: undercover, clandestine and hush-hush. I'm in charge of catching that smug swine, and I'll get him before he thinks of lifting anything else. We have files on him - big beefy files that could sink the Lady Zay - and it's just a matter of time before he feels the 'Suave' heat and gets nicked.

Now, if only I could get down...

Darius 'Suave' Aniseed, a guard.

P.S. - The 'Suave' accepts your apologies. The 'Suave' also accepts your stew - stakeout makes a keeper of the peace pretty darn famished, after all.

My dear Tyndarius,

Just last month I received a parcel of documents pertaining to Dragontooth Island, and I must say that they were very interesting reading indeed. There was even some sort of vague map of the place, though I believe it was a child's scrawl as it featured a terribly clich�d map to some buried treasure (it was even marked with an X, would you believe).

In general terms, I have gathered that Dragontooth Island was once some sort of outpost for Saradomin's forces many thousands of years ago and, during the God Wars or soon after, the garrison and all their facilities were quite brutally erased from the surface of RuneScape. A tragic tale, I'm sure you'll agree.

As for the 'Eastern Lands' you speak of, I've generally equated them with fairy tales told to impressionable children, but I concede that it is possible that these lands exist. As most of the fairy tales refer to 'grate fiery beastes enwrapt in poisons' and 'one-legged, one-eyed men of lymestone', I'm inclined to believe that they are not very close to Dragontooth Island at all.

Saradomin's statue, on the other hand, is much less mysterious, having been erected a mere hundred years ago by a group of refugees from Morytania who once went looking for those Eastern Lands. What became of them is, of course, unknown. I believe there are some in the Warriors' Guild who know more of these matters, but alas; warriors tend to be too preoccupied with their axes to tell stories.

Your brother in the pursuit of knowledge,
Reldo

Dear place where Burntmeat can buy a sue sou soo-van-ear teddy bear,

You must be confusing Burntmeats cookin' wif uver trolls cookin'. Burntmeat is da best cook of all trolls. Best cook of all humans too. Why wud Burntmeat need to learn at cookin'. Burntmeat should be top head troll of der cooking gild!

Sometimes wot Burntmeat be cookin' is trash, Burntmeat owns up to that. But only when Burntmeat's got sum good trash for der cookin'. It hard to get flames hot enough to burn der trash good when Burntmeat not got a wizard wif the Supperheat. Dat best of all magic spells to trolls, der other ones are just all tingly on der skin if you ask Burntmeat.

Burntmeat fought about your idea for other troll fingers tips and tried cookin' dem. Dey is not very nice, even when cooked really really really hot and uver trolls complain lots too. Burntmeat not askin you for more cookin' recipes, you not understand der troll pal mallet pallat.

Happy cookin', human!
Burntmeat da troll

Dear Gunsinmyback,

Ah, we meet again, fleshy, eggless whelp. Evil Chicken has been expecting you. You were fatty and unsatisfying when Evil Chicken last tasted you.

Your questions:

1. The dragons certainly weren't hired, imbecilic meat-lolly. Evil Chicken seems to attract them. They come to Evil Chicken to pay their respects.
2. Evil Chicken will never give up, never surrender. What else can an immortal, homicidal rooster do but eat all humans?
3. Long ago, when Evil Chicken was still downy, Evil Chicken took evening classes in Magic. When term was over, Evil Chicken ate the class.

The only way Evil Chicken becomes friends with you is if you become an immortal, homicidal hen.

All my love,
Evil Chicken

Chaotic Old Tips

I decided it had been too long since I'd sat down for a cup of tea with my friend the Chaos Elemental, so this month I bounced off to the Wilderness for a visit. We sat down and had a lovely conversation - of course I didn't understand a word of it, but as far as I'm concerned he makes the best tea on RuneScape!

On my way out, I spotted a noticeboard. I couldn't make skull-nor-tail of it, so I left a viewing orb pointing right at it, under the Chaos Elemental's dresser (he never dusts under there!). Perhaps you fine folk will have more luck discerning the method in his madness?