Postbag 33

Dear Meep Master2,

We might look like trolls, but that is not what we is. Trolls is stupid, we is orks and much more cleverer than thems trolls. You can spot the difference between us and trolls, cos we look more handsome and braver.

Us Poll Orks do not get paid for what we do, cos it is a privurlege to work hard for demmocrassy. Only the most special and intelagent orks are chosen to serve the mighty polls, and we is proud of our job. It ain�t easy countin all them votes as each person makes their dessizions; we have to be fast and ackyoorate to make sure we doesn�t miss any. The countin can be tuff, but we work togevver to add it all up. Each one of us has a speshal job to do, from puttin the votes into piles, to doin the countin, to rightin the numbers on the bord.

There is many rules for bein a good poll ork, and the main one is bein onnest. We had one ork what tried to change the votes to what he wanted to win, but we spotted him and he was sentenssed to a lifetime of cleanin our poll ork yewniforms.

I hope that my anssers have learned you something about what we does. Happy voting!

Yours onnestly,
Poll Ork 91837

Metal wearer,

Your attentions are misplaced. Threats gather quietly, like steam on glass, yet your head is filled with the threads between things. This is the way of the flesh-formed: to attempt to find order when confronted by chaos, even when chaos is fanged and baying.

I have learnt to talk in your terms. Think of dragons as rivers, flowing from a single mountain. The source, material and purpose are kin. Yet, each river carves a path to the purpose in a singular manner, caring not for the others unless their paths cross. While one river may be larger or faster than another, no river can claim to be a relation of another. This abstraction is dragon.

Now lift your head from this paper and uncover your compass. At each point sits a danger. You would be wise to take their heads.

KBD

Dear Eragon0366,

As you know, the King of Varrock is a busy man. Much of the day-to-day dealings with commoners must be screened, so he does not dilute his attentions with the petty interests of his citizens and can, instead, focus upon the greater dangers to his glorious Kingdom. As such, it falls to me, Aeonisig Raispher, to reply to your impertinent letter.

Varrock is a magnificent city, and well we know the division of classes that has built up over the centuries. The "poverty-stricken areas of the south" that you speak of are not a woe to our great people, but a part of the culture. You see, if it were not for the distribution of wealth, how could you appreciate the splendour of the Palace, or the beauty of Father Lawrence's Saradomin-blessed church?

As to your concern that a mere mugger might one day harness the power of the runes: well, that is as likely as a Zamorakian establishing an unspeakable altar within our fair city!

The feuding of the gangs that you speak of is actually beneficial to our people. Not only does it keep the criminals from performing truly outrageous crimes (as they are too busy trying to kill each other off), it also keeps them in a ready state to defend our streets should the unthinkable occur. Now, is this state of affairs not a sign of Saradomin's wisdom?

With the blessing of Saradomin,

Aeonisig Raispher
Advisor to King Roald

Dear Fradanom,

Since I've attained the rank of Master Chef, I no longer need to cook things myself but simply assign one of my grunts to cook it for me. I'm more of an...arbiter - oh, I like the sound of that - ruling my kitchen with a wooden spoon. I no longer have time for the mere trivialities such as actually cooking.

My time these days is absorbed by holding cooking competitions where I invite 'elite' chefs from around RuneScape to come to my spartan kitchen and cook for me. I then taste their food and critique them. If they manage to make something which I find reaches the laudable standard of 'barely edible by me', I'll hire them as a commis chef and train them in my arcane arts.

I still like to dabble in private, just to keep my hand in. If I ever went back to cooking you'd find my smallest hors d'oeuvres a guilty spark of pleasure, my relev�s will transport you - in the taste sense rather than the culinaromancy one - to the relaxation of dipping your toes in the balmy seas off Karamja. My main courses will be the apex of the meal and will leave you satisfied for days, no longer needing normal food. Finally, my puddings are the perfect denouement, providing you with cathartic release from the grip of rapturous abandon created by my food.

Tastiest regards,
Lloyd

Dear Forgotenland,

Teleportation itself is a strange offshoot of planar theory, which involves using the power stored in rune stones to essentially bore a hole, known as a teleportation matrix, through the abyss and then loop back into our own realm at another point. This means that distance becomes meaningless within the matrix itself and you can move instantly to another place.

Well, that�s the theory. When the early wizards discovered this, the 'government' immediately stepped in on their research and created the Abyssal Services Department to control all future teleportation. They now control exactly what point your teleportation matrix can address, by teleblocking all others - so only a set list of them can ever be successfully formed.

Strangely, creating a localised teleport requires a matrix of vastly higher complexity than one for a long distance. Long distances are like hitting a target with an arrow at ten paces, quite easy really; teleporting locally on the other hand is like trying to not to hit yourself with your own arrow while hitting a target you�re standing on. All rather dangerous, if you ask me.

It has been suggested that certain groups in RuneScape may have operatives inside the Department, for their own ends. This would account for any unauthorised destinations which you may have seen used in your adventuring.

I hope this lesson has been informative; it might even make a good end-of-term test!

Mr Mordaut

Greetings, conspiracy fans, as I am back and I have another FACEWETTING SALVO OF FACTS for you all!

It seems that my last selection was appreciated, not only by you, but by a number of EVIL-DOERS in RuneScape, who sent me theories in the post. These have been vetted by me in my SKILLCAPE OF FACTS.

Conspiracy Theory 1 � From the Magic instructor on Tutorial Island

Good day, Evil Dave - long time, no see.

Three years ago, I employed a scruffy young man to look after my three dairy cows [OF TOTAL DOMINATION - E.D.]: Dolly, Emmylou and Linda. The young man would teach adventurers about milking cows and churning, and I would give him a small wage. I used to call him �servant� or �little servant�.

Well, one night I heard a ruckus and the dastardly young man had herded my trio of cows onto a raft of plain logs and teaching manuals, making a course for the mainland. I tried to Wind Strike him, but it did no damage.

Now, here comes my theory! The new tutorial has a White Knight named Sir Vant, which is so very similar to �servant'! In it, Sir Vant fights a dragon with three heads, which, in the right light, could be an elaborately disguised triad of cattle! I say this man is a heinous fraud and his so-called three-headed dragon is nothing more than three glued-together bovines [OF MASS DESTRUCTION - E.D.].

By the way, if your fans ever need someone to teach them how to cook, fight or run, tell them to come see me.

Conspiracy Theory 2 � From Robin Hood

Archers, being the most fabulous of all the adventurers in RuneScape (and don�t you know it, you conniving melee fighters and so-called �wizards�), have long been plagued by a mysterious [EVIL] plot to deprive us of arrows. You may note, sweet rangers, that every now and then one of your arrows or bolts goes missing instead of falling delicately to the ground like a perfectly white feather of Goodness and Grace.

It is my belief that there is a plot afoot, hatched by those dastardly cowards, rapscallions, knaves, wastrels, cads, bounders, criminals and murderous thugs who call themselves �melee fighters� and �mages�. These rogues are in league with the imps and implings to steal our elegant ammunition so that they can build a Tower of Arrows in the shape of a monstrously huge chinchompa in a cave deep beneath Falador (which is, as you know, the home of the decidedly unpleasant and fish-scented White Knights � none of whom use any ranged weapons, you may note).

When they have completed their hideous construction, this epic rodent will be trundled out and placed in a prominent location to mock us, dear and beautiful archers. Yes: they will mock us and laugh, and then very probably drink tea. The cads!

Conspiracy Theory 3 � From Father Lawrence

Peace be with you, my children, the peace of calm and untroubled sleep. While I am obviously not evil, I am suffering beneath the tyrannical yoke of evil's oppression. Yea, it is true: the dark evilness of Zamorak�s followers stains my humble church each and every day.

You may well have observed the dutiful parishioners who journey each and every day to listen to the good word of Saradomin in my church. These devout and virtuous folk are the very essence of Saradomin�s love, but Zamorak has placed a cursed upon us, and sends agents each day to slip a sleeping potion into the sacred wine that forms the core of my sermons.

Each and every day, I find myself preaching to the slumbering instead of the alert. This cannot be allowed to continue, for Saradomin�s will must be spread, and my parishioners can hardly be expected to spread the word if they sleep through my sermons. Please, uncover the fiends at fault here and bring the Light of Saradomin to shatter their dark ways!

/----/

What can I say, CONSPIRACY WARRIORS? These are quite clearly FIVE-STAR CONSPIRACIES that will force us all to sleep with a NIGHT-LIGHT OF UNFULFILLED DREAMS turned on. I hope they have had that effect on you too.

I hope we can talk again soon, dear fans. Sleep tight.

EVIL DAVE