Postbag 41

Hey leader guy,

I can't say I'm surprised: after all, I am the SULTAN OF ALL THAT IS EVIL. It's only natural that a bunch of do-gooders would want to take me out, for the glory of having eliminated RuneScape's ULTIMATE VILLAIN (by which I mean ME, obviously).

Well, good luck, Silverblade Knights, or should I say Silver-LAME Knights! Ha ha, I do a FLAMBOYANTLY EVIL LOL in your face!

Do you have any idea of the incredible power I wield, or the UNIMAGINABLE HORRORS I have at my disposal? I have an uncle who said he'd ROUGH UP anyone who messed with me, and a friend of a friend who KILLED AN ACTUAL MAN. One click of my MEGALOMANIAC FINGERS, Silverblades - one click.

So, why not come and find me if you're tough enough, and we'll see how you fare against my MIND-IMPLODING MALEVOLENCE. Naturally, if I'm not at home it's because I'm off on an EVIL ERRAND, and not because I'm hiding from you or anything.

Remember: EVIL IS AS EVIL DAVES.

EVIL DAVE

PS - Talking of unimaginable horrors, if you see a SPANIEL OF UNIMAGINABLE HORROR in the Wilderness, please make sure to do the following:

1. DO NOT LOOK INTO HER EYES. They can turn a person inside out, and then back again.
2. DO NOT SAY HER NAME. Your tongue will fall out.
3. And, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but if you see her, put her in a CRATE OF STORAGE and bring her back to me. I haven't seen Jasmine since we went revenant-herding three years ago.

(I tried talking to Jhallan, but he wouldn't reply - I suppose it's hard to move when you're encased in ice. I'd almost given up on ever getting an answer to this letter when a strange man I met at the Dig Site expressed some interest. I'll leave it to him to answer. - PP)

Dear Deathflare56,

As a learned archaeologist, with something of an interest in the Mahjarrat, I believe I may be qualified to reply.

To the best of my knowledge, the Ritual in the north is a regular occurrence for the Mahjarrat, during which they revitalise themselves to last the five hundred years until the next. From all that I have learnt of this, it seems that very little actual violence occurs in the early stages, and that it is more akin to a sort of political debate, complete with back-room deals and shady alliances.

The final stages, it seems, features a great deal of violence, as the one they choose to dispatch will doubtless use every remaining ounce of their strength to avoid their fate, forcing many others to exhaust themselves to be sure that they do not end up the victim. One description I read (written by a Fremennik who knew not what he was actually witnessing), referred to the skies "dripping with venom and fire" and the ground "twisting into grotesque forms with mouths that chewed at the roots of trees that bled".

A truly terrifying prospect, I'm sure you'll agree!

Your friend,
Dr Nabanik

Watcha,

I ain't got long, as Nomad's got me combing the avatars, but I've hidden 'neath a barricade to jot down some information. Sorry it ain't much.

First off, those spirits don't go to some fancy plane, up into the sky or into Guthix's back pocket, I can tell ya. Nomad knows where they go, I can see it on his mug. Sometimes he slips away and, when he comes back, his fingernails glow and he's got sparkles in his eyebrows, like he's been near summat magic. Zimberfizz don't miss a trick.

As fer your soul, matey-o, I'd keep a grip on it. Nomad gets the dead-eye whenever I mention the souls, as if he's got some evil scheme in his noggin. I may be his lackey, but that don't mean I have to like 'im.

Zimberfizz

PS - The obelisk is a one-way thing, matey. A bit like my working relationship with Nomad. He don't even make me brimstone tea.

Dear Lechouchou,

Ah, metal: a subject very close to my heart, and one which I could talk about for hours. I like metal almost as much as pie.

Some points you may find interesting:

1. Adamantite is the name of the ore - like mithrite, blurite and runite - whereas the name of the metal is adamant. For simplicity's sake, let us also assume that dragon metal is made using dragonite ore (although it may be an alloy or composite of other known or unknown metal(s)).
2. White and black metals are actually just coloured forms of steel, created by differing forging techniques, but resulting in metals of equivalent strength.
3. Iron and 'normal' steel (i.e. not black or white metal) have magnetic properties, while all other metals in common use have diamagnetic properties - enough to 'throw off' Ava's device (e.g. if you're wearing metal armour). There must be something in the process of black and white steel colouration that removes, or drastically reduces, steel's magnetic properties.
4. Ava tells me that, while her device contains a magnet, it does not attract objects through magnetism alone. The device's magical components create another kind of field, attracting materials that 'think' they are magnetic. To be honest, I'm not sure what Ava means by that, and the idea of thinking metal gives me the willies.

It all seems a little off, if you ask me. I prefer patterns and order, but RuneScape is a magic-filled realm, after all, and not everything can be so readily explained.

Thurgo

PS - Thanks to Postie Pete's recent price restructuring, the postage on your letter was not enough to cover the pie. Apparently, unless the letter fits in his mouth it's classed as a "large packet", and the only way the pie would fit through his mouth was by him eating it. At least, that's what he told me...

Robrt7,

I'm sorry dude, it's year one-hundred and sixty-nine: jazz is so one-hundred and sixty-late. Any penguin worth his cowbell will know that jazz went out with the chicken suit, and penguin punk is in, in, in. Course, dudes like us prefer to shorten things, so we call it 'Penk'.

Unfortunately, our new singer - Sid Fishus - says sax is the enemy of Penk: you only need a few notes and those few are played pretty badly. Then you need to scream over the top about 'The Man' and how he's, like, totally bogus and uncool. It's genre-bending, dude, and it blows our beaks clean off.

We'll get bored of it in a few weeks, dude, but for now we've shaved our eyebrows off and stuck safety pins in our flipper-webbing.

Bang a gong, get it on, Ping and Pong

Dear Twin Otter,

As I'm sure you well know, finding reliable information about the elves of the west is problematic at the best of times. In order to further my own understanding on this fascinating topic, therefore, I directed all seven of my assistants to scour the archives of the Palace Library. One of my assistants returned yesterday, in his hands a number of books and scrolls that were mostly burnt, a little soggy, and noticeably chewed at the edges. Suffice it to say, the few words I could glean from these texts had a small amount to say on the matter.

Firstly, there were many references to elven settlements in what is now Kandarin, and several more mentions of the beauty of the structures they built. At the outset of the God Wars, however, it seems the elves withdrew, presumably to escape the violence. Intriguingly, one of the gnomish emissaries from this time recorded in his memoirs that the elves promised to one day return, when they could "reclaim their properties; that which it is not right for the short-lived humans to control" - my translation from gnomish is doubtless flawed, but I believe that is a faithful summary of the emissary's words. He further recalls that a number of the elvish soldiers elected to remain, either to guard that property, or to offer their services to those whose actions were not at odds with Seren's commands.

So, in answer to your last question, it seems the elves were not involved in the strife of the Third Age, but that some few may have remained and served as mercenaries.

Yours eloquently,
Reldo

Dear empire280

I must admit that your letter had me confused for a moment: Miscellania and the Fremennik Isles are two different places, so I assume you meant the Fremennik province, of which Miscellania is a part.

To your query. You're right to say that the Fremennik province has evil and danger aplenty, but, by Guthix, that's why we can't get enough of it! You'll understand me soon enough, son: the sound of a sea snake's neck snapping, the smell of daggermouth breath, the sight of Fremennik warriors battling back-to-back - it all puts hair on your chest.

And what is fear when Vargas sits on Miscellania's throne? As soon as I was old enough to swing a battleaxe, my parents kept the doors wide open and forced me to sleep on a bunk of rotting monkfish to entice the sea hordes. This is the mind of a Fremennik warrior, my son! Fighting instinct on a bedrock of strength.

So, while the lands and seas of the Fremennik fall behind my shield, no daggermouth, suqah or sea snake will even lob a curse over it. We're all grateful for your offer to train us an army, of course, but the pests of Waterbirth should be fearing Vargas (and the Fremennik), not the other way round.

Your future father-in-law,
King Vargas